A short presentation to potential future visitors from alien planets about life on Earth

By Audun Stølås

Hello!
Welcome to this planet, that we who lived on it, considered as ours. We called it the Earth and called ourselves Earthlings.
Let me first congratulate you on having reached our planet. It must have been a long and strenuous journey. There were few of us who lived on this planet who thought that it was possible that beings from other planets would ever be able to come to Earth when we thought about the long distances in the Universe. And then we thought of the many conditions that had to be in place for life, and preferably intelligent life, to arise and evolve on a planet. Based on this, there were many who thought that we humans on Earth were the only living creatures with a certain intellectual capacity in the Universe. But about this issue it was divided opinions among us. Some highlighted the huge number of planets in the universe and believed that some places there had to be intelligent life. That you now have managed to come here, is very impressive. It clearly tells us that you have a great insight into nature and have reached a very high technical level. Now that you are here, I hope you will take the time to try to figure out how life on Earth has turned out. We sincerely want anyone to know about us.
I hope you do not take offense that I have referred to you as beings. It's not bad or derogatory intended. But since none of us had ever met any of you, we had only our imagination to relate to. There you were often described as little green men.

gronne

How our cartoonists could portray you as little green men

Now we finally have the opportunity to correct such caricatured images, if it is so that there are still humans on the Earth. I do not know what state the planet is in now, if there are humans on it, if it at all is life.
If it should be so that the only live you can see are some beings creeping on the ground on four legs and has a hard shield on the back, it is not humans. We called them turtles. Some of them are quite large. They took it easy in life and lived long. But do not worry. They are not dangerous. On the other hand, it is not any good reason to strive to become better acquainted with them. It is not so much to get out of them. They have not, as we humans had, language to communicate with, at least not a language that we humans can understand.

skil

This is a turtle

MarilynM

The human beings were of two different types, or gender as we called it – man and woman. The human on the picture is a woman, by the way one of the most beautiful among them who was known by most people in her time.

Perhaps it was just that having a language that was unique to us humans on the Earth unlike anything else in the Universe.
But you should know that it took a long time here on the Earth before the first linguistic message was formulated and communicated. According to what our scientists came up with the Earth was formed 4.6 billion years ago. Along with the other planets in our solar system, it was made ​​of dust and gas left over when the sun came into existence. The researchers also concluded that there was life on this planet within one billion years after it was formed. But it would still be a long time before the first humans made ​​their entrance on stage. Modern man, which we gave the name Homo sapiens – the thinking man – appeared in Africa 150.000 to 200.000 years ago. It has since spread across the Earth. The first track we’ve found of people in Europe, have been dated back to 40.000 years ago.

blue

This is the Earth.

It is estimated that humans have evolved from an ancestor and ancestress, that we had in common with the apes. But at some point in history the human brain suddenly developed formidable. The human brain contains around 100 billion nerv cells, and each of them is connected with 10,000 other nerve cells. Although no one understands how it could happen, the network of nerv cells makes the humans capable of thinking, shaping thoughts in a language and communicate this to other people. On top of it all, it also equipped the humans with a consciousness. This awareness gave humans the ability to reflect on themselves. It can be aware that it is itself different from all other individuals. Humans are aware that they are going to die one day. They have the ability to discern between good and bad, right and wrong, beautiful and ugly, what is valuable and what is worthless, what is magnificent and what is not. The religious among us extend this with a praise to God as creator of all this.

No one knew quite how it was possible that awareness at all could appear of simple nerve cells when there were just many enough of them. Some thought that the human consciousness had arisen by chance or mistake, that it really was not intended that humans should have a consciousness. Whose intension should should that be? It was discussed whether consciousness was strictly the result of the chemical and electrical activity in the brain or whether it was something more. Was consciousness only a manifestation of matter or was it something else? Is our consciousness the same phenomenon that in the religion is called soul and spirit? An unifying answer was never given. Human consciousness emerged as a marvel. It should invite us to wonder, but we took it merely for granted and reflected no more about it.
The human consciousness can be said to be the self-reflection of the univers. It was assumed that there was only humans, of all things in the Universe, who had awareness on such a high level. Those who were religious believed that there were higher powers with even greater levels of awareness. But whether these higher powers were in or outside the universe was not always clear.

If there at some point no longer exists humans in the universe, then there will not be anyone here who observe, reflect and consider. Being a human in the Universe is precious and unique. What can humans do that nothing else in the universe can do?
It can tell a joke and it can perceive a joke, it can laugh at a joke. For humans, this sounds very obvious and simple, because it is for us. We were so used to it. But behind this lies very complex processes inherent in the human brain's ability to acquire language and communication. Fortunately we had humor. Do you also have sense of humor?

Finally, I wish you good luck in finding out more about the Earth and the earthlings. Perhaps you come to settle down here? Perhaps you have made ​​life a misery on the planet you came from. But you were lucky to have gotten the opportunity to leave the planet in time and go somewhere else. It may be that we did not. I must stress that I write these few lines in the year 2014 after the birth of Christ. A lot could have happened on Earth after that. Perhaps people learned anything? Maybe they were better at taking care of the only planet we could live on?
Perhaps there are many people on Earth now? People who have come a long way in both technology and decent living. People waiting to take care of you, even though they of course will be greatly surprised at such a visit. People that will tell you everything you want to know about life on this planet. Let us hope that this is so. And if this is the case, you can just ignore this little statement.
Otherwise, this planet can have evolved so that all life is gone. But you shall know that there has been life before. This planet Earth was teeming with life, there was a diversity of life, both on land, at sea and in the air.

This is how we lived:

hvitehus

In fact, not all of us lived like this. In the house on the picture above lived the president in the world's most powerful state, the United States of America, his family and his staff. He belonged to the rich people on Earth.

Others lived like this:

slum

It was the poorest people on Earth that lived in places like this. We called such living areas for slum.

:It was rare that we asked ourselves how we should live our lives so that the planet and life on it could be preserved and passed on to new generations, preferably in a better state than we inherited it from those before us.

 

 

 

 

Blonde cake baking

laugh2

A blonde told a friend about a failed cake baking. I should make double portion of a cake, and I am sure I followed the recipe very precisely and did everything correct, she told.

But i could not manage to get the oven up in 440 degrees.

From the book Laugh together woman and man

Kindle Price: $1.24

Amazon.com

 

Laugh together woman and man

laugh2

Laugh together woman and man is a joke collection made in Norway. The aime is to stimulate woman and man to laugh together. Here you find some jokes from the collection:

Immune
A bird flu epidemic broke out in the West Coast of Norway. All health workers were strongly urged to get vaccinated. A nurse from Osteroy objected strongly. It is not necessary for me to take the vaccination. I am immune to bird flu, she said. She was examined and it was right as she had said. She was immune. How could it be that you are immune to bird flu, asked the doctor who examined her.
For 35 years, she told, I have been married to a cuckoo from Lindas.

Without a chance
Now that mom is going to move in with us, we perhaps ought to find a bigger house, said the wife to her husband one day. I don’t think that will be any use, answered her husband, she will find us anyway.

Personal record
The phone rang and the wife answered it. After ten minutes she hung up. I must congratulate you with personal record in short telephone conversation, said her husband.
Yes, explained the wife, it was one that had dialed wrong number.

Survival
The start was a little difference of opinions about a trifle. But the following conversation developed to the quarrel of their life. Now I pack and travel to an island in the Pacific, announced the husband. There the women pay a man 100 kroner each time he makes love to her.
An hour later the man came down to the exit door with his suitcase and discovered that his wife stood there, she too with a packed suitcase. Where are to going, he asked. I am going to the same island in the Pacific that you are going to. Why, he asked. I am going there, she answered, to see how you will manage with 200 kroner a year.

Help
She had been a politician for the whole of her career, both as a member of parliament and in government. Now she had retired and had written a book about her life at the top of power in society. The book became a bestseller and everybody talked about it. One day she participated in a banquet. A famous male politician from another party was there also and he said to the now famous author. I liked your book, who wrote it for you? The woman put on her broadest smile and answered: So nice that you liked my book, who read it for you?

Nothing
A woman tells that she one day threw a coin into a wishing well wishing nothing – nothing of cooking, nothing of housework, nothing of child care, nothing of responsibility. And suddenly she became a man.

Kindle Price: $1.24

Amazon.com

 

Møkkasprederne – tredje bok med krim fra Arna

trebok

En gruppe nynazister fra Tyskland lurer seg til å få leie lokaler i Espeland fangeleir.

Handlingen foregår ellers i Janusfabrikken, i Krakow i Polen og ikke minst i Espelandshallen der bønder fra Langedalen setter tingene på plass.

Dette er den tredje boken i serien med krim fra Arna. Særpreget med disse tre bøkene er at det blitt gitt lokal kunnskap om de stedene der krimfortellingen utfolder seg.

Bøkene kan bestilles på: her

01Espeland

Omslag Mannen som

aomslag leketoy

Gale-Mathias på Tautra kloster

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Klosterruinene på Tautra i dag (Foto: Audun Stølås).

I dag står bare ruinene igjen av det som fra 1207 var Tautra munkekloster. Den danske munken Mathias Henrikssøn ble på 1500-tallet den siste abbed i klosteret.

Det var cisterciensermunker fra Lyse kloster i Os ved Bergen som startet klosteret på øya Tautra i Trondheimsfjorden og innviet det 25. mars – på Marias budskapsdag – i 1207. Som alle andre klostre ble også Tautra etter hvert tillagt verdifulle landbrukseiendommer.

Mathias kom til Tautra i 1510. Han hadde da vært munk i cistercienserklosteret i Sorø på Fyn. Abbeden der, Henrik, hadde utnevnt ham til abbed på Tautra. «Det burde han nok ikke gjort», skriver Karl Gervin i boka Klostrene ved verdens ende, utgitt på Pax Forlag i 2007.

Mathias fikk snart mange anklager mot seg. Han ble beskyldt for å pantsette klostergods og gjemme unna eiendomspairer. Han forlot Tautra og dro til klosteret på Hovedøya i Oslofjorden. Der ble han også abbed, men biskopen i Oslo, Hans Rev, fikk snart kastet ham ut derfra. Etter det var han innom Bergen flere ganger, trolig for å få hånd om Lyse kloster, noe han ikke lykkes med da.

Mathias kom tilbake til Tautra i 1531. Erkebiskop Olav Engelbrektsson fikk ham arrestert og stilt for en geistlig domstol. Granskningskommisjonen kom med en rekke anklager mot ham: han hadde ikke holdt messe på ett år og ikke tidebønner på tre-fire år. Han hadde beskyldt sine brødre i klosteret for å være tyver, kjettere, gudsfornektere, og endog lutheranere. Han hadde slått noen av brødrene i kirken så blodet fløt og vært i slåsskamp med en av dem. Han hadde videre solgt hellige kar, overbeskattet bøndene som drev klosterets landbrukseiendommer, han hadde ikke betalt sine avgifter og latt klosteret og de tilhørende eiendommer forfalle. Mathias var nok ikke tilregnelig i denne perioden, skriver Gervin. Abbed Mathias var blitt Gale-Mathias.

Han ble dømt til å betale erkebiskopen en stor sum penger. For å kunne klare det, pantsatte han deler av klostergodset til en lokal stormann, Nils Lykke. Han var dansk adelsmann og svigersønn til fru Inger til Austråt. Senere kjøpte Lykke hele klosteret mot godgjørelse til munkene. Mathias dro igjen til Bergen og denne gangen lykkes han med å få hånd om Lyse kloster.

Nils Lykke var gift med fru Ingers datter Eline. Da hun døde i 1532 sendte fru Inger sin yngste datter Lucie til Nils Lykke for å bistå ham i husholdet. De to fikk et barn sammen. Dette var et forhold som var forbudt av den katolske kirke. Men erkebiskopen holdt likevel sin beskyttende hånd over Nils Lykke.

Men en annen av fru Ingers svigersønner, Vincens Lunge, gift med Margaret, så her en mulighet til å kompromittere erkebiskopen. Lunge var danskekongen Fredrik 1s fremste mann i Norge. Han hadde sin residens på Lungegården i Bergen og hadde fått et av landets rikeste kloster, Nonneseter, i gave fra kongen. Deler av klosteret ble ombygget til en befestet residens for Lunge. I Gervins bok blir Lunge omtalt som en hensynsløs lykkejeger av internasjonal rang.

I 1535 fikk erkebiskopen Lykke pågrepet og innesperret på Steinvikholmen festning. Der skal Lykke ha blitt røykt i hjel på julaften. Det skjedde ved at det ble tent bål i peisen mens pipen ble tettet igjen og døren låst. Noen dager senere ble også Lunge drept i Trøndelag etter ordre fra erkebiskopen. Erkebiskopen fikk tatt Lunges støttespillere til fange og holdt dem innesperret på Tautra kloster.

Men nå gjorde den lutherske reformasjon sitt inntog i Norge. Erkebiskopen rømte fra landet, men skal ha tatt seg tid til å plyndre Austråt på veien.

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Klostergården overnattings- og spisested (Foto: Audun Stølås).

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Klostergården (Foto: Audun Stølås)

I dag ligger klosterruinene på Tautra på et fredfullt sted. Her ligger også det hyggelige Klostergården overnattings- og spisested

Stedet har også en gårdsbutikk, som har et håndbryggeri i kjelleren.

 

 

 

Vitser fra Sovjet-tiden

En gutt fortalte på skolen at katten hans hadde fått unger. Alle kattungene er kommunister, så han til læreren.

En uke senere fortalte gutten at alle kattungene var kapitalister.

For en uke siden sa du at de var kommunister, sa læreren.

Ja, svarte gutten, men nå har kattungene fått åpnet sine øyne slik at de kan se.

Blandet quiz I

2012-10-10 14.06.14
Engler i Sopot i Polen (Foto: Audun Stølås)

  1. Et stedsnavn i Meland kommune i Hordaland består av to bokstaver og begge er vokaler. Hva heter stedet?
  2. Hvorfor feirer kirken pinse?
  3. 1. pinsedag 1822 skjedde den verste brannkatastrofen på norsk jord. 117 mennesker mistet livet da en fullsatt kirke tok fyr. Hvilken kirke var det?
  4. Hvilken kurase er den mest utbredte i Norge?
  5. Hvor mange egg legger en høne i døgnet?
  6. Hvilken spiller har scoret flest mål for Brann gjennom tidene og hvor mange mål scoret han?
  7. Roald Kniksen Jensen er trolig Branns beste spiller gjennom tidene. Hvilket yrke hadde han i «det sivile»?
  8. Branns største seier ble vunnet i en cupkamp mot Aalesund i 1917 og gjentatt i en cupkamp mot Hovding i 2013. Hvor mye vant Brann i disse kampene?
  9. Norge slo Brasil 2-1 i de innledende runder i fotball-VM i Frankrike 23. juni 1998. Hvem laget de norske målene?
  10. Han grunnla Dagbladet i 1869 og hans bilde og navn står hver dag øverst på side 2 i Dagbladet. Hva het han?
  11. I Harry Potters verden er den mest leste avis mer opptatt av høye salgstall enn sannheten. Hva er navnet på avisen?
  12. I Bibelen blir engler omtalt hyppig. Men bare to av dem – begge erkeengler – blir navngitt. Hva er navnene på de to?
  13. 29. september er den kirkelige minnedagen for englene. Hva kalles denne dagen i Norge?
  14. Statuen av erkeengelen Mikael på toppen av det nordvestlige tårnet på Nidarosdomen viser ansiktet til en kjent amerikanske sanger. Hvem er det?
  15. Hvor er det antatt høyeste fjellet i vårt solsystem?
  16. Nils Olav er navet på en kongepingvin i Edinburgh Zoo som er blitt adoptert av Hans Majestets Kongens garde og stadig forfremmet i pakt med gardens deltakelse i Edinborgh Military Tattoo. Pingvinen er nå æresoberst. Den er også adlet. Fleip eller fakta?
  17. Travhesten Alm Svarten ble tildelt kulturprisen av Gran kommune. Fleip eller fakta?
  18. Balaklava er navnet på en vei på Jeløy i Moss oppkalt etter britenes seier over Russland i Krimkrigen på 1800-tallet. Fleip elelr fakta?
  19. Stylister var tjenere i kirkene i gamle dager. De sørget for at biskoper og prester tok seg finest mulig ut når de forrettet gudstjeneste. Fleip elelr fakta?
  20. Hva het Alf Prøysen de første 24 årene av sitt liv?

 

Svarene:

  1. Io
  2. Den Hellige Ånd ble gitt til disiplene. (Pinsen regnes også som kirkens fødselsdag. Apostlenes gjerninger 2, kapittel)
  3. Grue kirke i Solør i Hedmark
  4. Norsk Rødt Fe (NRF)
  5. Ett egg
  6. Rolf Birger Pedersen scoret 132 mål
  7. Bankkasserer (i Fiskernes Bank på Bryggen i Bergen).
  8. 14-0
  9. Tore Andre Flo og Kjetil Rekdal
  10. Hagbard Emanuel Berner
  11. Aftenprofeten (på engelsk: The Daily Prophet)
  12. Mikael og Gabriel
  13. Mikkelsmess (eller Mikkelsmesse)
  14. Bob Dylan.
  15. På Mars (fjellet har fått navnet Olympus Mons og er 21.300 meter høyt. Til sammenligning er Mont Everest, Jordens høyeste fjell 8.848 meter høyt)
  16. Fakta
  17. Fakta
  18. Fakta
  19. Fleip (Stylister var i urkirken hellige menn som oppholdt seg på stolper og steler)
  20. Alf Olafsen

Ymse morsomheter

umbrellas art flying
Photo by Adrianna Calvo on Pexels.com

Kunst
Kunsten er ikkje å spå om veret. Kunsten er å ikkje gløyma paraplyen.
Ivar Eskeland i boka «Vårt dyre fedreland» 1993

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Fra bokkroken i en bruktbutikk.

Svenskene har forstått at politiet ofte tar tid. Derfor kaller de det for polisen.

«Søk Herren mens han er finne. Jes. 56,6».
Disse ordene stod å lese på førstesiden i Dagbladet Dagen mandag på det stedet der avisen vanligvis trykker et bibelord. Ravnene Hugin og Munin i Vårt Land antyder at badstua kanskje kan være et lurt sted å lete.

Lang vielse
Sunniva Susanna Bø har drømt om å gifte seg i Israel i fem år.
Bildetekst i avisen Dagen

Bil havnet i grøfta
«Ingen av de to fikk skader i uhellet, men sjåføren mistenker politiet for å ha drukket».
Avisen Varden

Scener
Snekkeren på teatret var en bråkmaker og oppvigler. Til slutt fant teaterledelsen ut at de måtte si ham opp. Han hadde laget nok scener.

Måleenhet
Nordmenn er et folk som måler avstand i steinkast.

Overfladisk
Jeg er meget overfladisk, men det stikker ikke så dypt.
Johannes Møllehave, dansk prest og forfatter

Variant av det 9. bud
Du skal ikke begjære din neste ektemake
Trykkfeil i Sælen menighet i Bergen

Sterk tru
Likningskontor trur sterkare enn kontor flest. Dei trur ikkje berre det du fortel dei, der trur ofte dobbelt så mykje.
Ivar Eskeland i boka «Vårt dyre fedreland» 1993

Ærlig
En ambassadør er en ærlig mann som blir sendt til utlandet for å lyge til fordel for sitt land.
Henry Wotton, engelsk diplomat og poet

Oppmuntring
Psykiateren prøvde å oppmuntre den deprimerte kleptomanen, og sa til ham:
Du må ta ting lettere!

Freud i Gloppen
Nyere forskning viser at 37 prosent av alle menn og 11 prosent av alle kvinner tenker på sex en gang i halvtimen.
Mange har stilt spørsmål ved hvorfor tallene er så lave, men det kan skyldes at folk i Gloppen ikke var med på undersøkelsen.
Kulturredaktør Jan Nyberg i Bergens Tidende

Definisjon
En krangel er en diskusjon som plutselig ikke er kjedelig lenger
Anne B. Rogde i boken: Kunsten å krangle